Every now and then you come across a verse in the Bible that is worded strangely, makes you read it through a few times and wonder why the author used those particular words.  Because even though people like us sat down with pens and ink to write, there was a Breath blowing through their thoughts and heart-worship that shaped their words in particular ways, to convey just the right message.  So I always wonder “Why those words and what is it about that construction that He wanted us to understand?”

It happened the other night in the Genesis study, right there in chapter 15 when God gave Abram a vision, and while the group was reading the whole chapter out loud, I sat there and read the first verse over and over again.  It was decidedly odd.

Not so much strange that God came to Abram, or even that He spoke to him, because He had done that before.  It was what He said and how He said it: “Do not be afraid….I am your shield, your very great reward.”   Very often a message from God begins with “Do not be afraid,” and very often it is because the message or the messenger is bound to be alarming to the unsuspecting person receiving it.  This time it is clearly referring instead to the circumstances in Abram’s life, and God’s solution is Himself as a shield and protector.  That is a more powerful and personal message than Abram could have anticipated, I am sure.

But then God identifies Himself as Abram’s reward, and equates His own presence with both the shield and the blessing, and now we are not in the realm of standard church jargon any more.  We are used to asking God for blessings, and looking forward to the rewards we receive from our relationship with Him, but I have the feeling we are thinking more of tangential things like peace, or strength, or maybe even crowns.  But here in the first book, God said He was Himself Abram’s reward.  God’s presence…Him standing beside us through life, and how can there be any better shield from life’s hurts than that?  Or any bigger thing to desire?

It’s one of those times when a verse of Scripture leaves you hushed and breathless, and your heart just wants to stay there awhile and think on it, drink it in and really take hold of it.

“You are my supply, My breath of life, And still more awesome than I know.  You are my reward– worth living for– And still more awesome than I know.  All of You is more than enough for all of me, For every thirst and every need; You satisfy me with Your love, And all I have in You is more than enough.”  (Enough, Chris Tomlin)

My heart blazed with gladness when she shared that milestone, her eyes alight with the grace of discovery: “I’ve decided this is just me– this is the way I look.  No matter how hard I try, I’ll never look like those girls and that’s okay.”  And she was beautiful, all joy and love and wholeness shining out like colors of a rainbow.  She made it to the place that it took me years longer to get to, where all of us women need to reach in our faith journey…the place where we submit to the Maker and find a Home in Him where we are beautiful and loved….the place where we lay down the world’s standard and look for His instead.

I know another girl, ten years younger in her journey and on the verge of faltering.  She looks at the photographs of the ones named Beautiful and listens to the whispers that if she were better life would be all right again… just stretch further, try harder, grasp control of that elusive something that others seem to have so easily…but no matter how hard she tries it will never be enough because all this was meant to fade anyway.  I pray she makes it through in one piece and finds peace in who she is, one of these days.

Wanting to be beautiful and wanting to be loved– aren’t they the two roaring needs in any women’s heart?  Eve was made to be cherished, to be admired, protected, and valued “far more precious than jewels”….but she kept thinking that she could find something better on her own, till she reached out her hand and tried.  We are still trying hard, only we’ve forgotten what it is we really need and how to get there.  It’s not about the outsides at all.  It’s not about us measuring up at all.  And that’s the milestone of discovery that each of us needs to reach.  “Jesus said  ‘Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.'” (Matthew 11:28)  Just lay down all that wanting-Me-to-be-more and rest in Who He is.

Because when you know the Maker and surrender to being loved and part of His plans, you begin to discover who He made you to be and there is an eternal beauty that He is forming, shining out more and more every day.  We need to speak Truth for each other, as women– to remind each other that there is a Maker who formed us with care,  loves us beyond words.  That we were made to live beyond this world with its standards of beauty and that real beauty is found in reflecting the love and grace of the King.  That there is a difference between striving for perfection and being good stewards of what we’ve been given.

When the Maker looks at us He sees His own beautiful workmanship and immense potential…“created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which [He] prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10)  And He delights in the blazing colors of our differences.  “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”  (Zephaniah 3:17)

“The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become— because He made us. He invented us. He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be. It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.” —C.S. Lewis

“You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged
Oh I realize
Its hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you”  (Cyndi Lauper, True Colors)

There was a children’s story in a lesson once, about a monkey trap used in the jungles; just a basket with a narrow neck, but when filled with monkey goodies it became a snare for the creature, all because of how much he wanted.  He shoved his skinny little paw down in there to get the treasures and then held on tight, refusing to let go, even though his fist was too large to fit back through the opening….and there he would sit, trapped by greed, longing to get loose but needing to hang on for fear of losing it. We understand his dilemma completely.  “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”  (Matthew 6:21)

I’ve been thinking though, about the paradox that when we hold on tight to keep from losing the things we love, we lose the ability to receive other things…because hands have to be wide open to get any good thing.  And the only way to get all of what God has for you is to come to Him with heart and hands unclenched, letting go all that you treasure.   He said it would be contradictory and unmistakable: “If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.”  (Matthew 16:25 NLT)  

It is human nature to hold onto what we love, but what we don’t always see is how it holds us fast, right where we are, and if we are too afraid to let go we can be stuck in that same place for a lifetime, paralyzed by desire and fear, and maybe even (underneath it all) longing to get loose .

Sometimes we are as short-sighted as the monkey.  There is an abundance of goodness, and an endless supply for hungry hearts in the One who is calling us to a wide open place of freedom, if we unwrap those fingers, one by one, and let go.  And wouldn’t I rather have treasures that last forever, compared to any earthly thing that will pass away in the end anyway?  I think I am slowly coming to realize that.  I might need help though, letting go of some things, Lord.  And when it feels like losing everything, please be gentle with me, and patient.

“Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.   When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.”  Colossians 3:2-4

“Measure thy life by loss and not by gain, Not by the wine drunk, but by the wine poured forth, For love’s strength standeth in love’s sacrifice, And he who suffers most has most to give.”  Lillias Trotter, A Blossom in the Desert

It goes against all sensibility, the way Abraham turned to Lot and said “Choose which land you think best for your flocks” as they looked out over the hills stretching away into the horizon– the land God had already given him.  And Lot chose and Abraham just nodded and let him go his way–Lot taking the best of land that wasn’t his to take and Abe giving what had been given, holding his Promised Land with open hands.

Makes me think about the things I hold onto, and why it is so hard to let go.

Maybe it’s the illusion of control when I hold onto things, the deception that still whispers that if I try hard enough I can shape my own destiny and keep my own heart safe, and the ones I love.  Because if I lose that security blanket, what is left is just me and my small concerns in a huge universe, at the mercy of the Creator, and is that really enough?  It is the same whisper that has echoed in the hearts of men since we first heard it in the Garden…. seems like we would have realized by now just Who is in charge, and how much better things were before we fell for that line.

But mostly it’s the fear of losing, when I hold onto things– fear that what is precious can be ruined and my heart can break at the loss.  We came from the Garden knowing just how fragile life really is, and how heavy a grief weighs.  Ever since, we have been clutching onto beauty and happiness with both hands as it runs through our fingers, trying to hold on and never lose it again.

But Abraham didn’t, even though he had left home behind and come so far to get what had been promised him.  Because he knew that it was all gift anyway, he let his nephew take what he wanted and kept on trusting the Giver to be faithful to His promises.  Traveling through the desert should have made him more wary, more mindful of loss, but somehow blessings overflowed into thankfulness enough to fill up his heart and open his hands.

Loosen these hands, Lord, and deliver me from the instinct of Self-preservation and the fear that belongs to mortality.  Let me live in full thankfulness because all is gift, and there is a Giver who does not grow weary; I do not need to hold on tight, because You hold me and all the things I love in Your own scarred hands.

“The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time.  You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.  The LORD is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made.”  Psalm 145:15-17

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” C.S.Lewis

I was trying to put it into words this morning over breakfast, how one of the most important things my mom taught was the natural way of gardens and growing things, and how our inside selves are all like that.  I am not sure if she intended to teach it that way– maybe she just believed it herself, deep down, and taught it by living it straight out in the everyday.  You reap what you sow, and seeds produce plants which produce fruit just as surely as thoughts produce actions which produce consequences.

Her home was as basic and simple as that.  Fill it with family and God’s truth and nourishment for the whole person, and children would grow strong.  No space for false words or false hearts, or idle hands, or emotions flying loose.  You reap what you sow.  Speak words that are true, look people in the eye, learn to be useful and be thankful, to make beauty and see it everywhere, to find a balancing point….and never stop growing.  This is how to grow a life that is worth something, no matter where you live or what you have.

And when we did the foolish things that kids do, we felt the consequences and wanted to choose better next time.  Not happy lessons, but we were learning that sowing weeds makes a sorry crop, discovering who we wanted to become by realizing who we did not want to be. The connection must be there… mindfully and carefully… planting and weeding and watering if you want to pile up the fruit in the end.  You reap what you sow.

Jesus pointed to the same thing, that basic parallel between gardening and living. My mother is a gardener and she understood what He was saying, lived that way in front of us and taught us well.  On this Mother’s Day I say “thank you, mom.”

“Have regular hours for work and play; make each day both useful and pleasant, and prove that you understand the worth of time by employing it well.  Then youth will be delightful, old age will bring few regrets, and life will become a beautiful success.”  Louisa May Alcott

I heard Tim Keller on the radio this morning talking about the goals we set our eyes on as parents, and challenging whether we were steering our children towards success or greatness.  Not an easy question to face and one that uncovers our own soul’s  bent toward the things the world values….beauty, achievement, popularity, strength, intelligence.

I remember struggling with that when my kids were teens and how hard it was to push instead toward compassion for others; humility and service instead of competition, integrity to stand up to lies, forgiveness in the face of cruelty.  I had to, for their sake, because if they couldn’t learn it from their mother, who else would they ever trust enough to learn it later?

Looking back I see how much being a mother has shaped who I have become, thrown a spotlight onto my own values, uncovered my own weaknesses, challenged me to grow so that I could be what they needed me to be in their own becoming.

There’s nothing like the helplessness you feel as a mother to drive you into the all-powerful arms of your heavenly Father.  Nothing like too-short nights and doctor’s appointments and constantly hungry mouths to put Self right to death no matter how much it howls.  And nothing like the weight of a warm little body to teach you grace and forgiveness and love that keeps on persevering.  As a homeschooling mother of six puts it: “The parent must always self-parent first, self-preach before child-teach — because who can bring peace unless they’ve held their own peace?” (Ann Voskamp)

I think, looking back, that these children were shaping me while I was shaping them….that we have grown up together into God.  Maybe that’s how it is in the Family of God too, us reaching out to become what others need so they can grow…. and us growing with the effort, all unaware at the time.

“A wise mother knows what powerful men can forget — that the way to move heaven and earth isn’t with a strong arm but with a bowed head.” (Ann Voskamp)

It always strikes me how the only woman who named God, breathed her very own revelation of Him into words, was a slave and a foreigner, desperate and far from home.  I wish I knew her story, how she came to be traveling in a nomadic chieftan’s household as a maid to his famously beautiful wife.  And whether she was herself beautiful enough to be used, or plain enough to be discounted?….certainly young enough to be fertile when her mistress was not, and resented enough to be mistreated.  But she was not alone and Someone who knew her (inside and out) met her in the desert and spoke peace into her wounded heart, and hope into her life.

And this girl-slave who met God in the desert named her Creator with words; called Him “the living One who sees me.”  In a culture where women could easily be used and overlooked, whose sole value lay in their dowry and their ability to bear sons, it is of breath-taking significance that God shows Himself to this used woman.  Even more precious are the words He spoke to her.  No grand theology or proclamations about the fate of the world, just intensely personal interest in the things that concerned her most– the future of her unborn child, and her need for a strong deliverer.  Isn’t this still what we need most from Him as women: interest and involvement in the things of our hearts?  In household and family, and all the relationships that matter so much to us?

He told her to name her child Ishmael, “God hears”…every time she said his name, for a lifetime, it would be a reminder that Someone was listening to her and Someone cared.  It is a promise and a reminder to women everywhere: He still does.

“For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.  You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”  Jeremiah 29:11-13

For the story of Hagar and Ishmael, read Genesis chapters 16 and 21.

We talked about it this morning, when I pulled this band over my wrist:  What are these colored bands for, anyway?  To proclaim our interest….to make people ask why….to get a chance to tell someone how important it is….to remind us to pray….to remind us to focus on things that matter.

I know a young man who wears a braided leather one, asked for and bought specifically to remind him to live in God’s presence.  I wondered for a minute what would happen if we all wore bands to remember God-with-us, and I thought of the way we will pass the bread and the cup on Sunday to remember Christ… Emmanuel, God with us in the flesh…“Do this in remembrance of Me.”  What if we all wore bands to remind us every day what Christ has done for us, and proclaim our cause to everyone who sees?

And there was that sudden twist of perspective when things shift and turn to fit together in a new way.

Maybe the bands are of His choosing and not at all what I expect.  Maybe the things that I mark as burdens, the very circumstances that I count trials, are the bands in the everyday that remind me to seek His presence most clearly.  Disability of joints and nerves that constantly remind of weakness but point me to the things that matter most.  Grief that pushes me to pour out my heart to the One who hears.  Earth-shaking changes that lead me to the Rock that will never be shaken, the peace that passes all understanding.  Don’t these things make people ask why, give me chances to tell someone how important this walk of faith is?

The ugly hurtful things that I would rather escape might look different from the vantage point of heaven’s grace….they could be the brightly colored bands to wear on a life, to remind of the cross and His faithful love, as tangible as a leather cord, as visible as this plastic wristband.