I’ve been wrestling with this for a few weeks now…how can I fix it, change it, see it a new way, make it work somehow…and what parts of this equation am I even capable of affecting? Good to think through, but that is the crux of the matter: what I can and cannot control. Overwhelming, what all is out there at the mercy of others’ whims, and the waves of circumstance. It scares me and a whole army of emotions rise up to defend such weakness, and what wouldn’t I give to be strong enough to take charge and change the shape of what is? It seems counter-intuitive to say with the Apostle Paul, “If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.” (2 Corinthians 11:30) But I am trying, doing the few small things that are within my circle of responsibility, and reminding myself to be okay with the rest of the tangle and my helplessness, to patiently follow and await God’s resolution.

My nephew is riding his bike across the country again, this time with a flock coming along behind, young adults searching for who they are becoming, on the backroads of America. The week he set off I remarked that leading small groups is at times rather like herding butterflies, and he laughed, and then shared his trepidation– this twenty-something wondering if he had what it took to lead others in such an undertaking. I thought of telling him that it was doubtful. That God has a way of calling the apparently unsuitable (ask any of the shepherds, crooked accountants, fishermen, and religiously uptight in the gospel narratives), that God delights in displaying His abundant resources when we run dry, that in following where God calls he will be shaped into the man who could lead others….but somehow the timing didn’t seem right for any of that. Instead, I told him I would pray for him as he goes.

It’s yet another paradox of the Christian faith-journey that learning to lead requires learning to follow, and both require strength. Both require giving up control and being content there. Both require a Source of strength that is not your own.

It’s been over a month on the road now, and my nephew wrote this week about learning to face unwelcome emotions and letting God meet him there, instead of trying to outrun the misery or fix it any way he can. He said how it seemed like doing nothing about the situation, but really it was doing Something most important: meeting God, and building relationship with the One who knows him best inside. I thought again of Paul writing, “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed…that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.” 2 Corinthians 4:9-10) Our weakness, if we can name it and accept it, opens the door for God to apply His strength to the equation, shape what exists to His reality and make it something new. “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

It is as clear as day, repeated over and over again, that when I can admit my utter need and ask for God’s help, His abundance is ready to be poured out for me. “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32) It is as clear as day that the First Sin runs deep and strong through us, still trying to order the world to our liking by our own efforts, as if we were the Creator rather than the created, and trying to shed our weakness by whatever means possible. Very slowly I am learning to be at peace under the mighty hand of God, to rest under His wings like a chick and let Him care for me. All of us children, finding out who we are becoming in the backroads and community centers and dialogues of America, learning to lead and learning to follow.

“Are you mourning over your weakness? Take courage! You must be conscious of weakness before the Lord gives you the victory. Your emptiness is the preparation for being filled wih God’s strength. Being cast down is the making ready for your lfiting up.” (Charles Spurgeon)

“You don’t have to have the strength to go on. You just need Him.” (Ann VosKamp)