The heartbreaking thing is that even when you know what is right to do and apply yourself to it with God’s strength, it may not change your situation for the better. Obedience is not a magic key that unlocks doors, and right choices do not always smooth the paths you walk. The results are more often in my own heart, but that’s hard to take when I know the struggle it took to get this far, and if such heart-upheaval can’t produce tangible effects in the world then why am I even trying?

We have this sense that right choices, right words, right actions should work out righteousness in the world around us. We’re not too far wrong– that knowledge was built into us from the Beginning: a foundation laid into  this creation of action and reaction, cause and effect, and God the First Cause: “By faith we understand that the entire universe was formed at God’s command, that what we now see did not come from anything that can be seen.” (Hebrews 11:3) God created worlds with His divine will, divine words– His perfection and beauty reflected in tangible form in a way never before seen. And man was made steward of what God spoke into being, given authority over creation to act and choose good for all He had made. I wonder if Adam understood just how big that choice was; he could not have known how the world would groan and labor under the working out of his actions, turning everything “ashes to ashes, dust to dust.” Man’s relationship to God was reflected in tangible form in creation’s response to him, for good or for ill.

Maybe that’s the mercy of choices now, that our power is so much limited, reigning in our ability to destroy. The desire and the knowledge may linger, but the only real power we are left with is to change our own hearts. And maybe that’s where it matters most, because that is where the battle for power is being fought. When the Beloved One chose good for us, because we could not for ourselves, He was again acting as First Cause, wrestling with Darkness on our behalf to work out righteousness in the world. His choices, His words, His actions making all things new, to regain His rightful rule one heart at a time.

And He says to us now that it does matter what we do, how we respond to His re-creation, and wrestling to make the right choices does change the world, even if the evidence is unseen and only He knows. Because if He rules in us, His righteousness will be worked out there, and His beauty and power will be demonstrated in our lives, small seeds that will grow to fill the earth. Jesus told us that His kingdom would begin in the small silent places: “The coming of the kingdom of God is not something that can be observed…because the kingdom of God is in your midst.” (Luke 17:20-21)

We get frustrated because we can’t change hunger and poverty, stop violence, heal marriages, rescue children, build a society that lasts… but God goes right to the heart of the matter and transforms the world from the inside out, starting where it matters most– in the dead hidden places of the heart that need to be made alive. So that our choices, words, actions can be for good again, reflect His nature and His righteousness. Because He is building a kingdom that will last forever, and we are the living stones. Be patient and keep on doing the right thing, because only the Builder knows exactly what He is building. “…let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” (Galatians 6:9) 

“I need You to soften my heart
To break me apart;
I need You to pierce through the dark,
And cleanse every part of me.

I may be weak,
But Your Spirit’s strong in me.
My flesh may fail,
But my God,You never will.” (Give Me Faith, Elevation Worship)

“You are the light of the world…let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” (Matthew 5:14, 16)

In all the days that I am Not Enough

I hear You say I AM…

“From the ends of the earth I call to You, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” (Psalm 61:2)

“Every attribute of God, every revelation of His character, every proof of His undying love, every declaration of His watchful care, every assertion of His purposes of tender mercy, every manifestation of His loving kindness– all are the filling out of this unfinished ‘I am.’…I believe it includes everything the human heart longs for and needs.” (The God of All Comfort, Hannah Whitall Smith)

It’s the ordinary days that make it hardest to persevere, sometimes. The day-in, day-out unending of a burden that erodes faith a grain at a time, wears away the edges of what you know and who you are, until the least upheaval could topple you right over. Maybe it’s the way we are wired, as humans, to rally in a crisis, and be ready to resolve it quickly– it’s the ongoing little stresses that often get the better of us. It takes focus to keep walking in faith through the mundane, the unresolvable, and every small choice that confounds us.

It reminds me of a saying I heard once that “the devil is in the details,” meaning that the details that you ignore are the ones that will make the whole project go up in flames in the end. True in business and event planning, and true in life as well. Sometimes the most important details are quite small and ordinary, and could escape notice entirely. It is what our Enemy, the devil, is counting on, so that in the end a whole life could blow away like smoke before you realize. Ironically enough, it is also in the everyday wearing-down details that you can find the devil whispering that you are stuck here, that you aren’t good-enough strong-enough smart-enough, that there is no purpose to this endless maze, that you may as well give up because it’s just too hard to keep trying. And so Peter warns in his letter, “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)

However, the saying is relatively new in society, and for a hundred years before, the original phrase also spoke truth to people’s hearts: “God is in the detail.” Pay attention to the details because there is significance and beauty and meaning there that you won’t want to miss. The God who made the billions of stars and hangs them in their places, calls them by name…the God who made the billions of fish in the sea, all colors and shapes and some of them so deep that they are never seen…the God who knows when every wild animal is about to give birth…the God who weaves together each of us and knows all our days before we are even born….Yes, of course we can see Him in the details, because He made all the details, down to the last atom. And here in the details of my day it makes all the difference to know that He is present and active– nothing too small and mundane for Him to care about. If I could just keep my eyes on that, how would it transform the ordinary into something More?

Knowing what to look at is truly the secret of persevering. Like the letter writers of the New Testament said over and over again to the early believers suffering persecution: “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:17-18) Keep looking at the glory to come and keep on walking each day in obedience, not just through times of crisis, but through all the little aggravations of ordinary life and the unresolved burdens we wake up with day after day. Pay attention to the big picture and it changes the way you see the ordinary details. Pay attention to the ordinary details and do them well, and the big picture falls into place. God is in the detail.

And it’s odd, but when you learn to fix your heart’s eyes on what is unseen, you begin to see all kinds of details you never noticed before, in the world around you, as if spiritual sight and physical sight were connected– and maybe it is supposed to be that way. Even the most ordinary details are woven through with threads of glory, glimmers of the One who made them, and an undercurrent of spiritual cause and effect running beneath all we do, the movement of the Spirit affecting the ordinary in remarkable ways that are easy to miss if you are not looking.

So I look for God in the details, ask for opened eyes-of-the-heart to see His face and hear His voice in the ordinary days. Devotional writer Sarah Young expresses it well when she talks about how to keep from falling in a world of fast-changing circumstances: “The only way to keep your balance is to fix your eyes on [Him], the One who never changes. If you gaze too long at your circumstances, you will become dizzy and confused. Look to [Him], refreshing yourself in [His] Presence, and your steps will be steady and sure.” (Jesus Calling) Not only stability is in that focus, but joy, peace, thankfulness, hope– all that overflows from being conscious of His constant presence and help. That’s where strength comes from. That’s how we persevere through another ordinary day.

“The dawning of each new day is a gift from Me, not to be taken for granted. The earth is vibrantly alive with My blessings, giving vivid testimony to My Presence. If you slow down your pace of life, you can find Me anywhere.” (Jesus Calling, Sarah Young)

“I am thankful for right now. God, I AM is present in this moment, and in His presence is fullness of joy.” (Ann VosKamp)

An oil painting hangs in my living room, in a heavy gold frame.  The foreground is dark forest, with tall trees obscuring the sky, but there is a path winding away into distant light that streams through the branches. An older friend who was a painter showed up in my kitchen with it, years ago, and gave it to me, said she called it Walk Toward The Light. The painting has hung on my wall ever since, a visual representation of Hope. It is one of my favorite possessions.

I can see how that particular theme of perseverance and following the light has threaded its way through the years, become part of me and shaped my perspectives. At the time, my friend was struggling with a difficult marriage to an unbelieving husband… I was struggling with the pressures of ministry and preschoolers, fighting depression…together we leaned on Jesus and encouraged one another to keep on going. And that one thought took up residence through the years, an anchor for the heart: Don’t focus on the dark trees of despair, but on the light of His love….You don’t need to understand these circumstances, just walk in the light of His guidance, one step at a time…. In the midst of pain hold onto the strength of the One who is Mighty to save….Wait for the Lord, wait for Him to act, and put your hope in Him, because He is faithful….When other voices confuse and batter at your heart, look for God’s Truth shining clear. Keep walking toward the Light.

We talked about persevering last night in small group, about the constant need to trust and keep walking– every time we meet pain or difficulty or disappointment it is a crossroads of decision, an opportunity to choose faith, to choose hope, to choose obedience. To keep walking into the Light of God, out of the-darkness-all-around and into new life, into a deeper relationship with Him. Every situation is a question: Can you trust Me with this? Do you believe that I AM WHO I AM and that I am the same yesterday and today and forever? Do you truly believe that I am Goodness itself and have your best interests in mind? Because you can’t keep walking in this life if you can’t plant your feet on something that solid– and until you take the first baby steps you can’t learn to run strong and proclaim to the watching world that your faith is real and there is a God who deserves all the glory. So start with the step in front of you and then keep on going.

One of my favorite old hymns is Turn Your Eyes upon Jesus (Helen Lemmel)– in a way it is the musical version of my painting: “O soul, are you weary and troubled? No light in the darkness you see? There’s light for a look at the Savior, and life more abundant and free.” That’s what enables us to find the lighted path through the forest: We focus on Jesus who persevered through this world and finished well, who promises to never leave us or forsake us, and tells us to lean on Him for strength. This is the one important lesson to learn if we are going to keep our faith strong through the upheavals and stresses of living.

It is no accident that the New Testament writers made perseverance a recurring theme, encouraged their readers to keep walking into the Light of Christ. They knew exactly how hard this world gets and how our minds and hearts can get turned around and overwhelmed in the dark, how easy it is to lose sight of Hope. And I read their letters and think again of the old refrain…“Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.”  Keep walking toward His light, dear sisters, for in His presence there is joy, and hope that will not disappoint.

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

“Child of My love, lean hard,
And let Me feel the pressure of thy care;
I know thy burden, child. I shaped it;
Poised it in Mine Own hand; made no proportion
In its weight to thine unaided strength
For even as I laid it on, I said,
‘I shall be near, and while she leans on Me,
This burden shall be Mine, not hers;
So shall I keep My child within the circling arms
Of My Own love.’ Here lay it down, nor fear
To impose it on a shoulder which upholds
The government of worlds. Yet closer come;
Thou art not near enough. I would embrace thy care; 
So I might feel My child reposing on My breast.
Thou lovest Me? I knew it. Doubt not then;
But loving Me, lean hard.”

(Streams In the Desert, September 12th devotion)

Now that we are talking about strength it jumps out at me everywhere. A devotional I read this week contained a line from one of the Shepherd-King’s songs: “Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” Psalm 27:14 (NLT)

Maybe it is the season, but I keep thinking about people waiting, and the strength it takes. Not to do the waiting itself, but to keep the heart whole and not despair. To abide–set up a tent– in the presence of God and stay there for the duration, stay focused on His plans and purposes by faith while the days drag on with no resolution. “Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.” (Hebrews 11:1)

When I look at these women waiting in faith for husbands to turn to Jesus… for children to make wise decisions… for babies they haven’t met yet in faraway countries but already counted as belonging… for answers to “what comes next in life?”…I see focused faith that holds on to God with all their might, because Who else is out there who listens and helps those who wait for Him? It is a kind of desperation of the heart, perhaps, but really when it comes to the deep heart-cries, all that matters is that Someone is listening and Someone has the ability to do something about it.

And when the time drags long and hope falters, and even the fiercest faith burns low, it is His own voice that whispers inside that we are not forgotten: “Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait….” Let your heart take courage– the word is hazaq, and in its root form it means to seize, to fasten upon, to make strong. It’s what women do with the strength of desperation. It’s what God does for us when we can’t hold on ourselves– fastens onto us so we won’t fall, can’t slip away into despair– His own strength that circles all around when you could just drop right there and not try any more: “The eternal God is your refuge, and His everlasting arms are under you.” (Deuteronomy 33:27)

I keep reading on down the list of definitions… to heal, repair, make whole… and somehow it is all tying back into Easter. For Christ has come, not just to be with us, but to save us: to repair these sin-bent hearts, to heal these wounds that run so deep, and make us new people that can believe and hope and live in Resurrection strength.

So we will pray for our sisters-in-waiting. We will live in His presence and let our hearts be repaired day by day by the One who makes us strong. And we will keep on waiting, until we see His power at work in our lives. “For since the world began, no ear has heard and no eye has seen a God like You, who works for those who wait for Him!” (Isaiah 64:4 NLT)

“Hope is found: You are here.
Our hearts forever sealed
By this love that came for us–
Now we are Yours.

As You rise, we come alive;
The grave has lost, the old is gone,
And You’re making all things new…”
(All Things New, Elevation Worship)

The one line from John Milton that has stayed with me since college is the last line of the sonnet On His Blindness. The famous poet scholar wondered what God would require of his life, in light of his disability, and the patience he has learned reminds him that God doesn’t need his labor or his abilities, but is served best by surrendered hearts…“They also serve who only stand and wait.” And he kept on writing, producing by dictation the poetic works that would be his literary legacy to the world. To a young adult studying literature with high hopes and a suitcase full of goals, it slowed and stilled the air like a prayer; although I could not fully appreciate Milton’s wisdom till much later in life, it planted a seed of Truth in my spirit. Weakness bowing down before God, building an altar of worship from the broken pieces of a heart– this was all that was required, and everything He wanted from a man.

I looked up wait as I was studying this week,and wrote it down: “stay stationary in readiness or expectation”… and I remembered Milton. Because when I am waiting on God’s answers, usually staying right here is the last thing I want to do– that is the very reason I am calling out to Him, and I would rather move anywhere than here. But then I would not be ready for Him to move, would not be here to see what He will do for me in this place. Trusting God means knowing when it is time for me to stop trying, being willing to wait and accept where I am, knowing He is present and powerful in any circumstance.

Webster’s goes on: “Remain temporarily neglected…” and that catches me off guard completely. That small phrase captures all kinds of meaning. Again the staying put in a difficult place, a hard choice to do the hard thing. Neglected calls up Milton again, and his lonely descent into blindness before he turned sixty. But it is the word in between that says it all, the reason for the remaining and the answer to the thing left unused: temporarily. Because when you are waiting on an eternal God, all these earthly things are temporary, only a flash in the face of Forever, and the waiting does not seem so very long any more. The Apostle Paul breathed it this way: “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison…” (2 Corinthians 4:17)

And Webster finishes with the best one yet: “to serve someone” and it almost makes me laugh aloud at the delicious irony. Webster was thinking of waiting on someone’s needs, a servant or a waiter at a table. John Milton saw it too, only he was looking deeper. To wait upon God is to serve Him, but not by meeting physical needs. To wait upon God is to show Him complete and utter trust, to surrender my wishes to His, my timetable to His eternal plans. And if He wills for me to stand and wait, then I serve Him by doing just that with a peaceful heart, no matter what the hindrances are that force me to a standstill. “He also serves who only stands and waits.”

Funny the lessons that stick with you through the years, and how they grow as you do. I have a much greater appreciation for Milton’s words now than I did thirty-some years ago, understand more of what it cost him to make that declaration of surrender as an aging and impoverished writer, depending on others for the outlet of his brilliant mind. But I am still learning to listen and do what is mine to do; still learning to trust Him to weave His plans together, still learning to wait patiently for His timing. Learning to be still and know that He is God.

“I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.” (Psalm 130:5-6)

“When God brings a blank space, see that you do not fill it in, but wait.” (Oswald Chambers)