A friend told me how uplifting she found it, to name three things every day that she was thankful for. How it turned her eyes to God’s goodness and filled her heart with unexpected joy. Her story was like a light shining into my week turned burdened and gray with the dust of this world… the way window get grimy with everyday accumulation, until the sun’s rays only illuminate all the dirt getting in the way of seeing. 

Her words reminded me that I used to give thanks every day and that I had stopped for some reason. It reminded me of Paul’s injunction to the Christ-followers of centuries past: “…be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” (Ephesians 5:19-20) He understood how we need to do that for one another, to call each other back to truth and thankfulness and right thinking, almost constantly.

And the thing is, I know the slow soul-drain of fixing my eyes on what is immediately before me– the microscopic view of my little world with only this life in mind, and how very wearying that is. I’ve been here many times before, and by now I know the only remedy is to “turn [my] eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.” (Helen Lemmel) I should know this inside and out by now. So how is it that I can find myself here again, in need of a heart-check? 

When I am counting His blessings, tuning my heart to sing His praise, that is when I am most happy; that is when my soul feels most alive; that is when I can look ahead with hope for whatever comes. Looking back over the days, it’s hard to pinpoint when I stopped remembering to give thanks, and why exactly– although I do remember a delusional moment of self-congratulation, in which I thought the habit of thankfulness so well-worn it needed no more daily discipline. If there was a turning point, that was probably one.

I can see that whenever we are most satisfied with where we are, we are most in danger of losing focus. We need others around us: to hear each other’s stories, see each other’s growth, allow the grace that flows from the gifts of others into our own lives. We need them to sing songs of worship to us, speak the truth of Scripture to us, pull us into serving others. This is what keeps us growing and moving forward. This is what reminds us to give thanks for every precious gift from above. Like the Church-planter Paul says, “…Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body…when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.” (Ephesians 4:15-16) There really is no substitute for this kind of community.

Whenever we are isolated from the rest of the Body, whether by circumstances or choices, we become handicapped in our growth. We need the prayers and encouragement of others, to remind us of who we are and where we are going– to remind us that all is grace, in the end. Living in community helps us to regularly wipe away the dust and grime of everyday living, so that God’s light can shine through more clearly. Living in community helps to keep us on track in this faith-race, speaking the Truth to one another in every way possible, so that no one gets lost along the way, or gets left behind.

So this week I am getting back to the basics, and counting what I am thankful for, once again. First on the list is this community of Christ-followers.

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There are people who take the heart out of you, and there are people who put it back.

Elizabeth David

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And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24

Some days when the future looms large and uncertain, this is enough:

“What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?” (Romans 8:31-35)

In every loss, every hard place, every weary struggle of uncertainty, every paralyzing fear… we know this one thing for sure: that God is praying for us and with us; He loves us; He is on our side.

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“He holds the stars and He holds my heart,
With healing hands that bear the scars,
The rugged cross where He died for me–
My only hope, my everything.
Jesus, He loves me;
He loves me; He is for me.”
(Jesus Loves Me, Chris Tomlin)

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“He is mine and I am His, given to me as well as for me; I am never so much mine as when I am His, or so much lost to myself until lost in Him…”  (The Valley of Vision)

All week I think about it, sitting there sewing with the afternoon sun streaming in through the window and the flow of women’s voices around me. We are escapees from the walls of our everyday lives, hiding here for a few days to create beauty, to connect with other artists and let someone else cook and clean and keep everything running smoothly. But I am commuting back to the real world every night and the contrast is outlined sharply, and the words keep tumbling around inside, bubbling up, as I ponder yet again: how easily we define ourselves by our relationships and our job titles, and how hard it is sometimes to see our purpose when we are apart from that. Would I even know who I am if there were no one needing Mommy every few minutes, no day-planner filled with entries, no laundry piled up in the basket, no one waiting for me when I come home at night? Who am I, really, when everyone else goes away?

What if I were just a creature sitting in the sun making beauty before my Maker, for the rest of my life? The birds do that…and the flowers…and maybe most of the living things called forth by the Word of God, though some are admittedly more beautiful in their offerings than others. And that sinks in deep because somewhere long ago, before I was defined by my first roles and relationships (Daughter, first Grand-daughter, First-born, Sister, Friend), I was just me. Although my parents gave me their DNA, and a name and a place to live, I was designed by the eternal Sustainer of Life, woven together in every detail with my father’s sensitive spirit and my mother’s determination, his eyes and her ears, and all my days already planned out in His book.

It comes so naturally to define my identity and purpose with the concrete outlines of this world, and to let the necessities of life shape my days. But maybe the press and bustle often drown out the quieter truth, that I was created to respond to the Creator and mirror Him. When life changes and the roles and relationships that speak so loudly in my life shift, even disappear, I am still who I was created to be, and my first purpose remains: live here in this dark world as a child of light… respond to my Creator in praise and thanksgiving… serve others and give Him glory. “He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” (Micah 6:8)

So I come back to the everyday world at the end of the week, and take up the jobs and places that others see when they look at me, but with a growing quiet sense of purpose on the inside. In every change of circumstance and season, I am still who He made me to be, and it springs from my relationship with an unchanging God. When I pursue Him I find myself.

“Who I am in the context of a relationship with God is who I was meant to be. So who I am in relation to God is my truest sense of self.” (The Worshiping Artist, Rory Noland)

“Your hands made me and formed me; give me understanding to learn your commands.May those who fear you rejoice when they see me, for I have put my hope in your word.” Psalm 119:73-74

Sometimes I have to pray for more love, even for the people I love.  Maybe especially more for them…because they are usually the ones that are right here all the time…. easy to take for granted, easy to overlook, and easy to get in under your skin in the most uncomfortable ways.

That’s when I feel the full effects of a sin-shriveled, dried up husk of a heart– something like the Grinch was carrying around, making him miserable without even knowing why.  And that’s what the people you love are good for: getting right in your face and showing you how much love you really need to get through a day, how much your heart must grow to hold the life-giving flow He is calling you to.  It’s one of the reasons He put us in families, to stretch our hearts open and wide, and give us every chance to grow up into Him.

The best thing to do on days like that is hold up your heart to God like an empty cup, and ask with the neediness of a child, “More please…I need more.”  I learned this as a child, in my grandmother’s kitchen, the secret of her wide-open loving heart to everyone she met: just ask for more, because He never runs out and delights in our asking.  She used to sing it at the piano, “The love of God is greater far, than tongue or pen can ever tell…”

The supply is abundant, a river of living water from the cross of Christ.  And when I ask for more, I find my heart expanding, and enough love to fill it, still  plenty to give away.

Every now and then you come across a verse in the Bible that is worded strangely, makes you read it through a few times and wonder why the author used those particular words.  Because even though people like us sat down with pens and ink to write, there was a Breath blowing through their thoughts and heart-worship that shaped their words in particular ways, to convey just the right message.  So I always wonder “Why those words and what is it about that construction that He wanted us to understand?”

It happened the other night in the Genesis study, right there in chapter 15 when God gave Abram a vision, and while the group was reading the whole chapter out loud, I sat there and read the first verse over and over again.  It was decidedly odd.

Not so much strange that God came to Abram, or even that He spoke to him, because He had done that before.  It was what He said and how He said it: “Do not be afraid….I am your shield, your very great reward.”   Very often a message from God begins with “Do not be afraid,” and very often it is because the message or the messenger is bound to be alarming to the unsuspecting person receiving it.  This time it is clearly referring instead to the circumstances in Abram’s life, and God’s solution is Himself as a shield and protector.  That is a more powerful and personal message than Abram could have anticipated, I am sure.

But then God identifies Himself as Abram’s reward, and equates His own presence with both the shield and the blessing, and now we are not in the realm of standard church jargon any more.  We are used to asking God for blessings, and looking forward to the rewards we receive from our relationship with Him, but I have the feeling we are thinking more of tangential things like peace, or strength, or maybe even crowns.  But here in the first book, God said He was Himself Abram’s reward.  God’s presence…Him standing beside us through life, and how can there be any better shield from life’s hurts than that?  Or any bigger thing to desire?

It’s one of those times when a verse of Scripture leaves you hushed and breathless, and your heart just wants to stay there awhile and think on it, drink it in and really take hold of it.

“You are my supply, My breath of life, And still more awesome than I know.  You are my reward– worth living for– And still more awesome than I know.  All of You is more than enough for all of me, For every thirst and every need; You satisfy me with Your love, And all I have in You is more than enough.”  (Enough, Chris Tomlin)

My heart blazed with gladness when she shared that milestone, her eyes alight with the grace of discovery: “I’ve decided this is just me– this is the way I look.  No matter how hard I try, I’ll never look like those girls and that’s okay.”  And she was beautiful, all joy and love and wholeness shining out like colors of a rainbow.  She made it to the place that it took me years longer to get to, where all of us women need to reach in our faith journey…the place where we submit to the Maker and find a Home in Him where we are beautiful and loved….the place where we lay down the world’s standard and look for His instead.

I know another girl, ten years younger in her journey and on the verge of faltering.  She looks at the photographs of the ones named Beautiful and listens to the whispers that if she were better life would be all right again… just stretch further, try harder, grasp control of that elusive something that others seem to have so easily…but no matter how hard she tries it will never be enough because all this was meant to fade anyway.  I pray she makes it through in one piece and finds peace in who she is, one of these days.

Wanting to be beautiful and wanting to be loved– aren’t they the two roaring needs in any women’s heart?  Eve was made to be cherished, to be admired, protected, and valued “far more precious than jewels”….but she kept thinking that she could find something better on her own, till she reached out her hand and tried.  We are still trying hard, only we’ve forgotten what it is we really need and how to get there.  It’s not about the outsides at all.  It’s not about us measuring up at all.  And that’s the milestone of discovery that each of us needs to reach.  “Jesus said  ‘Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.'” (Matthew 11:28)  Just lay down all that wanting-Me-to-be-more and rest in Who He is.

Because when you know the Maker and surrender to being loved and part of His plans, you begin to discover who He made you to be and there is an eternal beauty that He is forming, shining out more and more every day.  We need to speak Truth for each other, as women– to remind each other that there is a Maker who formed us with care,  loves us beyond words.  That we were made to live beyond this world with its standards of beauty and that real beauty is found in reflecting the love and grace of the King.  That there is a difference between striving for perfection and being good stewards of what we’ve been given.

When the Maker looks at us He sees His own beautiful workmanship and immense potential…“created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which [He] prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10)  And He delights in the blazing colors of our differences.  “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”  (Zephaniah 3:17)

“The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become— because He made us. He invented us. He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be. It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.” —C.S. Lewis

“You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged
Oh I realize
Its hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you”  (Cyndi Lauper, True Colors)

There was a children’s story in a lesson once, about a monkey trap used in the jungles; just a basket with a narrow neck, but when filled with monkey goodies it became a snare for the creature, all because of how much he wanted.  He shoved his skinny little paw down in there to get the treasures and then held on tight, refusing to let go, even though his fist was too large to fit back through the opening….and there he would sit, trapped by greed, longing to get loose but needing to hang on for fear of losing it. We understand his dilemma completely.  “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”  (Matthew 6:21)

I’ve been thinking though, about the paradox that when we hold on tight to keep from losing the things we love, we lose the ability to receive other things…because hands have to be wide open to get any good thing.  And the only way to get all of what God has for you is to come to Him with heart and hands unclenched, letting go all that you treasure.   He said it would be contradictory and unmistakable: “If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.”  (Matthew 16:25 NLT)  

It is human nature to hold onto what we love, but what we don’t always see is how it holds us fast, right where we are, and if we are too afraid to let go we can be stuck in that same place for a lifetime, paralyzed by desire and fear, and maybe even (underneath it all) longing to get loose .

Sometimes we are as short-sighted as the monkey.  There is an abundance of goodness, and an endless supply for hungry hearts in the One who is calling us to a wide open place of freedom, if we unwrap those fingers, one by one, and let go.  And wouldn’t I rather have treasures that last forever, compared to any earthly thing that will pass away in the end anyway?  I think I am slowly coming to realize that.  I might need help though, letting go of some things, Lord.  And when it feels like losing everything, please be gentle with me, and patient.

“Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.   When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.”  Colossians 3:2-4

“Measure thy life by loss and not by gain, Not by the wine drunk, but by the wine poured forth, For love’s strength standeth in love’s sacrifice, And he who suffers most has most to give.”  Lillias Trotter, A Blossom in the Desert

It goes against all sensibility, the way Abraham turned to Lot and said “Choose which land you think best for your flocks” as they looked out over the hills stretching away into the horizon– the land God had already given him.  And Lot chose and Abraham just nodded and let him go his way–Lot taking the best of land that wasn’t his to take and Abe giving what had been given, holding his Promised Land with open hands.

Makes me think about the things I hold onto, and why it is so hard to let go.

Maybe it’s the illusion of control when I hold onto things, the deception that still whispers that if I try hard enough I can shape my own destiny and keep my own heart safe, and the ones I love.  Because if I lose that security blanket, what is left is just me and my small concerns in a huge universe, at the mercy of the Creator, and is that really enough?  It is the same whisper that has echoed in the hearts of men since we first heard it in the Garden…. seems like we would have realized by now just Who is in charge, and how much better things were before we fell for that line.

But mostly it’s the fear of losing, when I hold onto things– fear that what is precious can be ruined and my heart can break at the loss.  We came from the Garden knowing just how fragile life really is, and how heavy a grief weighs.  Ever since, we have been clutching onto beauty and happiness with both hands as it runs through our fingers, trying to hold on and never lose it again.

But Abraham didn’t, even though he had left home behind and come so far to get what had been promised him.  Because he knew that it was all gift anyway, he let his nephew take what he wanted and kept on trusting the Giver to be faithful to His promises.  Traveling through the desert should have made him more wary, more mindful of loss, but somehow blessings overflowed into thankfulness enough to fill up his heart and open his hands.

Loosen these hands, Lord, and deliver me from the instinct of Self-preservation and the fear that belongs to mortality.  Let me live in full thankfulness because all is gift, and there is a Giver who does not grow weary; I do not need to hold on tight, because You hold me and all the things I love in Your own scarred hands.

“The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time.  You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.  The LORD is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made.”  Psalm 145:15-17

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” C.S.Lewis